I find as I continue on my journey with clinical depression, once someone has tried to kill themselves, suicide becomes quickly to mind as a way to solve life's problems. Over the last 24 years as a Mental Health Consumer I come to realize after my first attempt in 1986 taking my life seemed the only way to stop the mental pain. In recent years the attempts have cycled into more than a call for help. I have tried my darndest to kill myself at times and than other times I've asked for help before I completed the job. As was the case this spring, I started out with every intention of ended it but after talking to my brother I decided to get help and ended up one more time in a psych center. In 2005 I swallowed close to 200 Oxycodone pain pills. A neighbor had to climb through a window after she saw me lying in a pool of heaved up blood. She had been keeping an eye on me after ankle surgery and was suppose to be out of town for several days. But as fate would have it she came back early. I was life flighted to Portland and it was thought that I would lose a kidney and have to have a liver transplant but I was back home in about a month, fairly healthy.
I brought this all up because one more time suicide seems like a viable option. As I mentioned in my last post I've been having severe nausea off and on for several months. I've had numerous medical tests with the final verdict being "manageable nausea". The last three days I've experienced stomach pain, nothing real intense but continuous never the less. This morning I started passing blood, not much but enough to catch my eye. I have past blood with hyroid problems before but there has always be pain in the rectum preceding me pushing very hard to have a bowel movement. This morning there was just the low key pain in my gut.
I also over drawn one more time as of this morning. The last four months I have tried very hard to live within my means but really struggling with it. Money problems has had , in the past, been a precursor to suicide attempt or hospitalziation. With help of my therapist of many years I've come to realize if I am going to keep on living, staying within a budget would make life easier. Until... next time.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Here we are once again. I have been journaling sporadically and felt like it benefited yesterday. I visited my therapist yesterday and felt fairly satisfied with my feelings shifting upward afterward.
I am about a month out of being total free of psych medications, first time in 22+ years. I really don't feel any different. In last day or so I have experienced some mild depression. I say it's my depression kicking in when I started having thoughts of killing my self. So far I am able to keep them at bay. I am trying to keep them from nesting, when they do so they take on a life of their own. When that happens I ended up with a suicide attempt or friends & maybe family take measures to land me in psych hospital. My busy time of the year is coming up and over the last 24 years I have been hospitalized closer to 20 times after I finish my last cartoon. I have tried to explain to myself why I continue and of course it's the money coming in first and then probably the fame which has gone with it the last 40+ years. I am semi-large fish in a small pond of around 18,000.
Its the main reason I think I keep on living. Of course the over abundance of the creative genes I create during the months of August and September will probably end up killing me anyway.
Over the years I have latched on to any self help item thrown in my direction, don't so much any more. Although I did end up going through a depression workshop bought for me by a good friend this spring. t went well at first then I became suicidal and finally ended up in a psych hospital in Boise. Stomach problems began plaguing me about that time. I subsequently have lost 30 pounds and am continuing to lose. In Boise the doctors there tried to pin down what the cause was or is. When I came home the first of June and have gone to several specialists and had numerous medical tests. To no avail, the last specialist stated my problem is "Manageable Nausea". I have figure how to mange it if indeed it is. I never know when some food may be too much causing excruciating nausea. Last week I pass out in my bathroom after about 15 minutes of heaving I woke up to an ankle which I thought be broken jammed up against a wall in my very bathroom. It turned out not to be broken but it is definitely hindering my daily constitutional walk which seems to help my mental health. Well,... that does it for now.
I am about a month out of being total free of psych medications, first time in 22+ years. I really don't feel any different. In last day or so I have experienced some mild depression. I say it's my depression kicking in when I started having thoughts of killing my self. So far I am able to keep them at bay. I am trying to keep them from nesting, when they do so they take on a life of their own. When that happens I ended up with a suicide attempt or friends & maybe family take measures to land me in psych hospital. My busy time of the year is coming up and over the last 24 years I have been hospitalized closer to 20 times after I finish my last cartoon. I have tried to explain to myself why I continue and of course it's the money coming in first and then probably the fame which has gone with it the last 40+ years. I am semi-large fish in a small pond of around 18,000.
Its the main reason I think I keep on living. Of course the over abundance of the creative genes I create during the months of August and September will probably end up killing me anyway.
Over the years I have latched on to any self help item thrown in my direction, don't so much any more. Although I did end up going through a depression workshop bought for me by a good friend this spring. t went well at first then I became suicidal and finally ended up in a psych hospital in Boise. Stomach problems began plaguing me about that time. I subsequently have lost 30 pounds and am continuing to lose. In Boise the doctors there tried to pin down what the cause was or is. When I came home the first of June and have gone to several specialists and had numerous medical tests. To no avail, the last specialist stated my problem is "Manageable Nausea". I have figure how to mange it if indeed it is. I never know when some food may be too much causing excruciating nausea. Last week I pass out in my bathroom after about 15 minutes of heaving I woke up to an ankle which I thought be broken jammed up against a wall in my very bathroom. It turned out not to be broken but it is definitely hindering my daily constitutional walk which seems to help my mental health. Well,... that does it for now.
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