July 22,2010

I find as I continue on my journey with clinical depression, once someone has tried to kill themselves, suicide becomes quickly to mind as a way to solve life's problems. Over the last 24 years as a Mental Health Consumer I come to realize after my first attempt in 1986 taking my life seemed the only way to stop the mental pain. In recent years the attempts have cycled into more than a call for help. I have tried my darndest to kill myself at times and than other times I've asked for help before I completed the job. As was the case this spring, I started out with every intention of ended it but after talking to my brother I decided to get help and ended up one more time in a psych center. In 2005 I swallowed close to 200 Oxycodone pain pills. A neighbor had to climb through a window after she saw me lying in a pool of heaved up blood. She had been keeping an eye on me after ankle surgery and was suppose to be out of town for several days. But as fate would have it she came back early. I was life flighted to Portland and it was thought that I would lose a kidney and have to have a liver transplant but I was back home in about a month, fairly healthy.

I brought this all up because one more time suicide seems like a viable option. As I mentioned in my last post I've been having severe nausea off and on for several months. I've had numerous medical tests with the final verdict being "manageable nausea". The last three days I've experienced stomach pain, nothing real intense but continuous never the less. This morning I started passing blood, not much but enough to catch my eye. I have past blood with hyroid problems before but there has always be pain in the rectum preceding me pushing very hard to have a bowel movement. This morning there was just the low key pain in my gut.

I also over drawn one more time as of this morning. The last four months I have tried very hard to live within my means but really struggling with it. Money problems has had , in the past, been a precursor to suicide attempt or hospitalziation. With help of my therapist of many years I've come to realize if I am going to keep on living, staying within a budget would make life easier. Until... next time.